Laughing through Tears

I received an email on Tuesday from a woman who is one of my adoption contacts.  She asked if Jim or I was a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  She let me know an expecting woman who is placing her baby in a home is seeking a couple that are converts or at least one parent is a convert.  I excitedly called my contact and said "Yes!! Jim is!" She told me she'd get back to me after she lets her contact know.  She couldn't tell me anything else about this birth mom.  I sent her our profile link, blog address and face book page.

How exciting is this!! Someone is looking for a convert couple/person who also wants to adopts in the Az area.  How many couples fit that criteria?  Can't be that many right?  I'm really happy this woman thought to send our information to the birth mom and I prayed it might be us.

A while later I get a text. "How old are you?" My reply "36."  She asks Jim's age too.  After I answer she lets me know the birth mom is full with appointments.  Maybe if something doesn't work out Jim and I can meet with the birth mom then.  (Please know, my contact person was so kind about this).

So I started to pray.  It was interesting how my prayers were for Jim and me to get this baby....then after some time on my knees my prayers evolved.  I quit asking for the baby and pleaded for this sweet woman, whom I've never met, to get the answer she is desperately seeking.  My  heart ached for her and her situation.  I know nothing of it, but I assumed anyone who is placing a baby for adoption has been through a trying time.  May she have peace and comfort during this time in her life.  I asked she will feel God's love for her and know how amazing it is she is willing to give life she created to another woman who cannot.  I asked for her to receive a strong confirmation to know who is the best family for her unborn child and then have the strength to move forward. I prayed for the couples who were meeting with her yesterday.  I asked they may have comfort and peace and a knowledge that God is with them.  Without question each couple going in to meet with the birth mom prayed they be "the one." Some may even have said, "If it be thy will." They were undoubtedly excited and hopeful.  I pray they may still have that hope even if they were not "the one."

After all of that, I sought heaven's blessing on behalf of the baby.  My desire for the baby is to feel loved all his/her life.  To have the knowledge of his courageous birth mother who loved him more than words can say.  I say him, but that's for convenience... it could be "her." 

I later saw through facebook where someone was looking for AZ adoption profiles.  I was really grateful so many others tagged me about it, thank you!  I sent my information in... not realizing it was the same birth mom.  I learned she was looking for a couple in their 20's/early 30's.  It made sense to me why my other contact asked our ages.  I didn't realize we fell in the "too old" category but we did.  

At first I laughed about it.... I mean how did I get to the age that is considered "old?"  I can do just about anything physically but with more wisdom than a 20 something.  I mean come on... have you seen my yoga moves?!

 

                                                

 (I say that laughing and kidding/serious at the same time, talk about getting desperate!)  In my defense for my dorkiness... I let my sister photograph me for her job.... 

Back to business.... Somewhere along today I let myself feel... and it was sad.  Tearfully sad.  It's difficult knowing we weren't "the one."  I asked another friend of mine who adopted all her children if it's normal to cry after each time you're passed up?  I guess it is... or was for her.  That made me feel better.  She said some other helpful things where I was laughing through  my tears... it was just what I needed. <3  I thought I was prepared for the "no's" since I've done years of failed fertility treatments, but nope, it is just as sad.  My friend pointed out though, that through adoption, I have a 100% chance of getting a baby where as infertility treatments are never guaranteed.

By the way, I don't fault the birth mother for any of this.  For all I know, the birth mom looked at my profile thoroughly and didn't feel we were the family for her unborn child.

The scriptures brought me peace as they always do.  I study my scriptures daily.  Sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes an hour passes before I know it.  The word of God gives me the peace I need to hang on another day.  

When I prayed yesterday morning two words came to mind "quiet assurance."  I turned to Alma 58:11 "Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance."  I felt a quiet assurance of my own.  The Lord is with me, I will be blessed with peace, given greater faith and hope knowing a baby will be ours, just not this baby.  

Today I continued my study in Alma 58 and underlined in verse 3, "we should wait," verse 4 "we did wait" and again in verse 7 "we did wait." 

That is my assignment from the Lord... to wait, but He's giving me the blessings of Peace, Faith and Hope enabling me to fulfill my assignment of waiting.  God is good to me.  May all people involved be strengthened and have their prayers answered, according to His will.

In the meantime, we'll go to the movies, see Minions, Bridget will trip from Luke pushing her in picture on the left... after a push back to him, she'll stand up and we'll get the picture right.  And yes, they may or may not bring their stuffed animals ;)

 

 Tears never last for long when I have so much joy and love from these three babes. <3

xxo,
Lindsay

Rain + Dirt = Mud Campin'

Fourth of July was incredible.  We went to our land up north and camped in our 5th wheel trailer that remains on the property.  We have several acres in Antelope Valley, sandwiched between Heber and Holbrook, Az.  The weather was breezy and in the mid- 70's... talk about unreal! 

Luke and I played catch outside followed by 5 games of Uno.  The girls played inside drawing animals with their crayons.  We ate a simple dinner of hot dogs and cut up watermelon.  As Jim cleaned up I read stories to the kids.  Once it was fully dark we lit off fireworks.  Beautiful thunder storms rolled through the night as we slept.  The clouds were beyond description.  I love clouds as much as I love trees.  My two favorite things in nature.  I cannot clearly say why I love trees so much, but I have a deep love for them.   


The following morning was July 4th.  We went to the parade in Heber which is 30 minutes away from our land.  It was a great time.  

When we returned back to our trailer the road was washed out with a river, small, but still a river.  We couldn't get back to our trailer.  More thunderstorms were coming and this time the sky was ominous... looked almost like a tornado type of cloud swirl. 

We left our car and trekked through the water back to our camper.  It's a mile and a half walk from where we parked.  The kids were troopers.  The dirt was mud that sucked your foot right in.  Jim worried our car would get stuck in the mud.

Water came up to my knees

Luke found a frog on the way

 After arriving at the trailer, we gathered what we could carry on our backs and headed back toward the car.  Luke stepped in cactus but was tough about it.  Tayler loved every single second of the adventure and Bridget was not a fan at all.  It sprinkled and drizzled rain on us the whole time.  We all held hands walking back on the road. 

 I thoroughly loved it.  When we got the to car we were wet and muddy.  But smiling.  It was incredible being with my family. We talked about pioneers and how the trekked day in and day out like this.  We sang songs and just made jokes and laughed along the way.  To me, this is what family is.... making the best of a less than ideal situation.  We were outside in nature together, no electronics, or any other distractions.... just the five of us. 

We drove back to Mesa and arrived around 7 pm.  After changing and dinner we had our own firework show in the front yard.  Neighbors up and down the street were doing the same thing so it was quite a scene in the sky on our street. 

When Jim and finally went to bed that night I told him this was my favorite 4th of July I've ever had. Lots of things went wrong but it was with the right people, so it didn't feel so wrong after all.

Weekend Warriors

Jim planned a 6 am service project for our family Saturday morning.  Our kids are early risers... we all are so it wasn't a big deal to be up at that time.  Our goal and hope as parents is to teach our children the gift of serving others.  I take them with me when I make dinner for people, or go on visits to other women I know.  Jim takes Luke with him as much as possible when he's serving others too.  I say Luke because it is usually men stuff so girls opt to stay home.

Service is a gift in so many ways.  For me, it softens my heart, helps me see beyond myself.  I feel so grateful to the person/people who allow me to serve them.  It is a sacred privilege, one I love to participate in.  Jim is the same way.  He's more service oriented than me.  It's just who he is.  

Jim and I realized our kids learn by observing so we do our best to serve and teach our children about it.  Saturday morning was no different.  The kids were chatty and excited, especially as we pulled up to QT for donuts before our project.  Once we arrived at the house, it was a different story.  

Smiles were gone, groans started coming and flinging of rakes were seen from my peripheral vision.  It took encouraging but we finally finished.  Tayler was over it by the end.  She never makes me guess how she's feeling.  I love that little scowl face of hers!  The kids were champs overall. (Please notice the water shoes and socks Taytay is sporting. She loves to wear them every day.)

Let's pause and take a minute to talk about the guy below.  I wish words could describe how amazing he is and how much I love him every single day.  I watched him in awe at this service project knowing he had a full day of work ahead of him.  He got a call at 4 am with a house that needed to be packed out (all things packed out of the house) due to a flood.  His company is a restoration/emergency stuff.  So he'd been up since 4 am.  He already worked 60 plus hours the past week.  It's our busy season.  And his priority was spending time with the kids in the morning helping others.  I mean... come on... what an amazing Dad!  He was sweating and sneezing a lot when we pulled away at 7:15 am.  I just looked at him and felt an overwhelming tug on my heart thinking I can't believe he is my husband.  I can't believe I literally married the man of my dreams and the father to our children that I always prayed for.  I don't need to say he drives me nuts sometimes because that goes without saying... we're married for Pete's sake so yeah... that happens... but it is fleeting.   Every night I thank God he is my husband forever.

The rest of the day I was home with kids, playing and so forth.  We had our weekly date night.  We just went to dinner and were home a couple hours later.  Our sitter was so cute, the kids were upset we came back early.  Jim had early meetings, like 6 am early, on Sunday so he went to bed early.  When he has those meetings which is every other week, we usually have a short date night.  

Sunday was great.  I had a wonderful scripture study all in Alma 29:1-4.  I talk about scriptures a lot because they are a huge part of my life.  It's through the scriptures that God speaks to me.  It's how I know we are meant to adopt.  Anyone who wants to know a question, just needs to ask God in sincerity and then turn to His words.  He will answer you.  

Every.  Single.  Time. 

Jesus Christ taught, "The Holy Ghost... shall teach you all things 

and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." John 14:26

I feel like I need to say sorry if I'm preachy... I honestly don't mean to be.  But I'm showing who I am and this is me.  Anyone who knows me.... 

I mean, really knows me, knows I love studying the scriptures.  

On a lighter note:  Tayler dressed herself as usual for church.  I believe it's important for a child's self esteem to choose their own clothes and feel confident in what they're wearing.  The result often leaves me cringing/chuckling but whatever.... it is what it is.  I have the same rule for hair styles.  The girls can pick their hair style too.  This might bite me in the bum when they're teenagers.  I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  

Bridget felt winter tights were a good option while Tayler went with the socks OVER the black leggings with her sandals.  I was shocked she didn't wear her water shoes like she does everywhere.  

I just laugh and thought I'm glad she's coming to church with a smile this week.  

This is a gem from a year ago... All her design and She OWNED IT! 

Adoption Profile is UP!!

Whew... I've been sitting at my computer for hours.  Yesterday it was four hours and today it's been three.  I've done some other adoption stuff throughout the week as well.  Let me tell you... It is no easy task putting together THREE different adoption profiles, but it is well worth it!

This has been my look all week long.  No makeup, hair up and drinking a CAFFEINE-FREE drink from Sonic....WAAAA!  I decided to quit drinking Crystal Light energy.  Can I just say I LOVE THE STUFF!!  It's so delicious and refreshing.  It's my little treat in the day....my "happy mommy juice" and now I've shut the valve off... What am I thinking?!  Anyway, I've been clean 5 days.  It hasn't been too bad except I just want it so dang bad!  That's what tells me I have issues, I want it too much.  Thankfully, I haven't been too crabby nor had crazy headaches.  In this picture I'm drinking water and I've just finished my profile.

I'm not a sit-down-at-the-computer type of person.  I do when I study my scriptures in the morning but not much after that.  It's been challenging putting myself on Facebook and even writing in this blog.  I usually keep my life private but now I need to open it to all the world.  The hope is for an expectant parent to see us and know we're meant to be the adoptive parents of her child.

Another side effect I've noticed while working on adoption profiles is the guilt I feel not spending with my children.  It's summer time, play time, work time, snuggle, swim and eat popsicles time.  The guilt is real too.  I prayed Monday morning asking for the guilt to leave so I could work on my profiles.  One profile is being mailing to people.  One will be an email and one is on Adoption.com.  Thankfully, my prayer was answered and I could do it this week.  And still spend time with my kids.  What didn't happen was any laundry, real chores besides room clean ups, or a homemade dinner.  But something had to give.  I have my priorities... children!

Tender Mercy today.  I was praying for help because I really really really wanted some of my "happy mommy juice" and I asked for help.  A couple hours later my neighbor knocks on my door.  She hands me a packet of a prenatal multi-vitamin.  It's sparkling Cranberry/Raspberry flavored.  She was thinking of me and knows I'm off the sauce.  She thought I might like it.

I ripped that baby open, poured it into a tall glass of ice water and chugged.  It was GREAT!  And I felt so good!  It is all natural, stimulant free and sweetened with Stevia.  I said another prayer when she left. Although my neighbor handed it to me, I knew the Lord brought that tender mercy of packet just for me.

After drinking the vitamins, I loaded up my kids with a new found vigor and we played at my sister's oasis of a pool for hours.  A wonderful way to spend a summer afternoon.

It's the little things in life that bring the joy.  The challenge is to look for them.

xo
Lindsay

Cousin Party

Cousin Sleep over was a party mania!  My brother Whit and his lovely wife Margaret went to Disneyland for two days.  I was happy to have his kids for the weekend.  Brook, my sister also enlisted her time and service to the cause.

Our day started at 6 am when the cousins arrived but I only documented the madness after a couple Diet Cokes at dinner.... :)

Dinner at our favorite restaurant Mi Amigos'

Tayler wears sweats when it's 114 degrees.  What? 

Pool races

Evening Summer swimming with my siblings are my favorite childhood memories.

I hope it's the same for this crew <3

Cheers to Root beer floats! But I was secretly stoked bedtime was approaching!

5 girls tucked into bed. Check!

Fort built and 3 boys snug inside.  Check! And good night!

Morning Chores... notice the smiles!

Wall washer

Avery Candland vacuuming 

Maisy Baby sweeping.  She's the youngest cousin in Mesa so we call her the baby. 

 Which she loathes! 

Cave time for the boys :)

Birthday cards for homeless children.

justserve.org

Me.  The End.  

(except I thought I was totally alone only to find this picture later on!) 

Summer Days Revamped: Part 2

Feels like 3 months ago I wrote last but it's only been 3 weeks.  Time is so peculiar to me.  Fast when I want it slow and slow when I want it fast.

First couple weeks our schedule was rockin'!  But then last week I had a late night, by late I mean I stayed up until Midnight and the thought of my 6 am alarm was more than I could bare.  I then had another late night and no alarm day.  This happened for about 4 days and suddenly my "perfect" schedule unraveled.  But I noticed something on the days of unraveling... my kids came into me each morning and asked what their chores were.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS!  An expectation began and they knew chores were expected.  I've yet to jump back in as the chore manager though.  

Warning:  Doing chores every day for an hour is so painful as the mother.  It's so much easier if I do it myself but I can't.  So instead apparently I've stopped all together.  Also not an ideal parenting technique.  I'm writing this to recommit myself.  The chores are for them and me.  Last week we washed the walls and baseboards in my kitchen, cleaned out the garage and picked up over 100 pieces of trash in the backyard.  We've organized the playroom, vacuumed and cleaned out the shoe cupboard, closets, and drawers.  It's exhausting!! 

Anyway... I'm back on the chores again as of this morning.  

I try and have us focus on service throughout the week too.  This week we went to Feed My Starving Children in Mesa.  It's again, work for me as the mom to manage but worth it!  My children walk away learning how 6200 children die every day from starvation.  They pack healthy food for the children and walk away with a sense of purpose.  Children 5 and older can pack food.  Music plays and people are shouting cheers when they've completed a box.  This time we packed 9 boxes of food, last time it was 3 so my kids were thrilled about that.  www.fmsc.org  

 My brother Whit came with his kids Ethan (8) and Pemmy (6.5) 

Left: Tayler and Briget
Right: Pemmy wearing her favorite outfit :)

Whit and I below                                                                             Ethan and Luke best friends

Summer Days Revamped

This summer we've decided to do things differently.  Well... I've decided since I'm the one who stays home with the kids all day.  The first two weeks of summer wasn't off to a great start.  Lots of bickering, "I'm bored" comments, and high expectations of activities that I was to provide.

Then it all changed.... Jim and I went to serve with our church youth group dressing up like pioneers for 3 days and "trekking" 18 miles.  I came away from the experience with a renewed sense of purpose as a mother.... to teach my children the value of work, or at least attempt too.

So the new Summer began....

The morning starts at 6 am for me for personal study time until 7
Breakfast from 7 to 7:30 where the kids make their own breakfast and I help facilitate but ultimately have them do as much as possible.
7:30 Family scripture study and prayers and Cleanup rooms
8:00 One hour of family chores (Jim leaves after scriptures)
9:00 Free time until lunch (personal time for me like yoga, and get ready time)
10:00 Snack Time
11:30 Lunch which I make the same for all of them and then the kitchen closes for 2 hours.
12:00  Another small family room and kitchen pick up and more free time to spend together
2-3 Snack time
4:30 Reading for a half hour
5:00  Help with dinner prep
5:30-7:00  Dinner and Clean up (this varies due to Jim's schedule)
7:00 Get ready for bed, read stories, hugs, kisses, prayers
7:30 Bedtime  ( My kids are funny and notice how they go to sleep when the sun is still out and it's out when they wake up ;) )

Chores range from washing walls, windows, toilets, showers, tubs, to cleaning out under beds, tops of cluttered dressers, folding laundry, and vacuuming.  Lots of vacuuming!  We've done this schedule for one week.  I do not bribe my children with toys or money, I just say it's what we do every day before we play.  If a child is being difficult... ahem, like today... I simply said, "It's your choice, if you don't work, you won't play at all today."  She wisely worked and had extra chores for her disagreeable attitude (code for tantrum).

Can I say what a difference it has made in our home??? Holy Smokes! I had no idea, being so structured would bring peace to our home.  I was VERY structured when the twins and Taytay were babies... I had no choice.  But somehow I let that go.

Thanks to the people from 1856 who knew what hard work really was, I felt a bit inspired to bring that back into my life.  Only a much smaller scale since our lives are so cushioned.  But I'm still grateful for the change in our home and the overall feeling of more happiness and peace.

 I'm well aware this isn't for most people and their households, but for us, it works.  It's who I am and it's good for any birth mother to know how we run as a family. Well... this week anyway... LOL!

Cheers to Summer Days <3

The twins with our beloved neighbors Eva and Russell 

Much love,

Lindsay