M.I.A. The Last 3 Months

(lifestyle photos by redpoppy photography...more to come) 

It's taken a lot for me to come back and write.  I'll explain.  I thought we were getting a baby at the end of August.  I got ready for her.  Went through old clothes of my girls. Car seat washed and ready in the car.  Diapers, wipes, blankets.  A name picked out.  The whole deal.  Except we never got the phone call.  The Call. Oh that day was terrible.  Waiting for the phone to ring and when it didn't. Well, let's say I cried.  A lot.  It took a few weeks but I put away the baby clothes, blankets, car seat, etc.

A month later we received another phone call from a woman.  We met with her.  At the time she had 8 weeks more to go.  She's due in 2 weeks.  She's having a boy and went through our profile.  She talked all about my life that she learned of through my profile.  It was obvious she read it.  At the end of our meeting she gave me an ultra-sound picture of her little boy saying, "He's meant to be with your family.  This is what I want for my son."  I was crying of course, heart pounding and beyond ecstatic. Jim and I drove home in a daze wondering if this was real.  For those not in the adoption world I'll let you in on a heart-breaking truth; pregnant women scam on those seeking for adoption. They shop around, so to speak, to see who will pay them the most money for living expenses before and after baby comes.  They tell you "You are the mother for my child."  All the while telling a handful of other women the same thing.  Now, this is the minority of expectant parents, not majority. But I am on a website for adoption and anyone may peruse it.... even the desperate, and they do.

Short story.  She lied.  I was sad and mad and tearful but not as bad as before.

A few weeks later I get another call.  This time the woman is from Michigan who fell in love with my profile and just has to have us as her children's parents.  She's having twins.  We talk all weekend for hours. She asked for Jim and I to fly out to Michigan and come to her doctor's appointments.  She then sends me an ultra sound picture.  Seems a little off.  I've had twins, I know what the ultrasounds look like.  Jim and I do some digging and realize it's fake.  She's a fake.  I keep it together for the most part but out of nowhere at the end of the night I fall apart.  We've come home from our date and I'm just crying and so angry that people play with my emotions like this.  I can't take the sitter home because I'm crying and don't want her to notice.  I stay in the car while he gets her and we drive her home.  I'm able to talk but the tears are rivers down my face.

It was the 3rd blow in a couple months time.  I'm feeling worn out and beat up.  And for me, it was worse because my parent's are on a mission.  I can't go to them, especially my mom, and wrap up in her arms and cry.  It gives me greater empathy for my dear friends who have lost their mothers way too soon.

This last upset was a month ago or so.  I took a step back from adoption and took time to heal my soul.  Healing comes for me when I slow down, spend quality time with my kids and husband and lots of time in prayer, meditation and scripture study.  I withdraw from the world and seek solace from above.  It helps.

I hear from well meaning people "Why don't you just foster?" We considered fostering.  In fact I really wanted to do it.  But when we took it to the Lord in prayer and fasting the answer was "No." You may be wondering how I know the answer was "No."  One formula I use for receiving answers to my prayers is this:
1.   I pray out loud, repenting of my sins first.  My unkind thoughts, resentments, jealousy and anything else that comes to mind.
2.  Then I talk to God as if He were sitting across from me. Sometimes I hold out my hands and imagine we are holding hands.  I say, "I don't know what to do. Please show me or tell me."  Then I'll explain my situation.  When I feel the prayer is complete meaning I've said all I wanted to say I close it "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
3.  Then I sit and listen.  Usually, but not always, a thought comes to my mind.  On this particular day, the answer was a quiet thought, "no."  I say out loud,  "I feel the answer is no, is this correct?" I sit some more and a peaceful calm feeling washed over my body confirming to me that yes, I understand the answer correctly, we are not to foster.

Now just because I got an answer doesn't mean I liked it, in fact I didn't.  I don't understand it, and I try not to take it personally like I'm not a good enough mother to foster, but for whatever reason that is not the direction we are to go.

All the while during the last three months our twins turned 8 and were baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Halloween has come and gone and we're looking at Thanksgiving right around the corner.

I'm thankful for a loving God who never leaves me.  Who gives me inspiration and revelation.  I'm thankful for the prophet Joseph Smith, who despite all hardships, continued on God's errand and brought forth the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and The Book of Mormon.  I am not in control of how we get or baby or when. (Even though I really REALLY wish I was.)  But I am in control of how I respond to trials, doubts and sadness.  My response is to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ, it's not always easy because sometimes I'm really mad at Him, but He doesn't care, His love heals me anyway.


Lindsay

Waiting...

Yep, that's right, I get the back-to-school blues.  Every year now for the last four years.  It takes a few weeks to come out of my funk and find my new rhythm.  Seems silly but 6.5 hours with a silent house isn't my favorite thing in the world.  Don't get me wrong, at times I craved the silence during chaotic summer days... but to have it every day now... well, it's just not my thing.

The kids are loving their teachers this year.  Luke and Bridget are in 2nd grade and Taytay is in 1st.  I was missing Luke the other day so I grabbed him for a lunch date during school.  I told him he could choose where we ate.  He picked Mi Amigos, but not for lunch he said, "I want flan!" with a wicked grin on his cute face.  I made him eat some of his already packed lunch on our way to the restaurant (since I hadn't planned on doing this I made his lunch that morning.)  We then walked around Target and he showed me what he wants for his birthday.  It's in a week from today.  Our twins will be 8 years old.  We're planning to go camping up to our land.  Last time we went we were rained out, literally.  We'll see what adventure awaits us this time.

I've added some more pictures to our online profile.  And I asked for advice/suggestions from some birth moms how I can improve our profile.  It's been amazing to get their feedback!  Our profile has been on Adoption.com for a few months now and no one has expressed interest.  I decided I needed some fresh eyes on our profile to help us out.  We also plan on paying extra for what is called "Extreme Exposure."  It's suppose to help us be seen by many more people.

A recent conversation with my kids went like this:

 I said, "What if I grew gold hair every day and each night we shaved it off and then by morning it all grew back?  Think of all the things we could do with that gold!"  I'm now thinking of the Disneyland trips and other wonderful worldly greedy things, when Bridget stops my thought process immediately as she says, "Oh Mom, then we would have enough money to adopt a baby!" My heart melted.  Of course that is what she said.  We let the children know we aren't going through an agency because it is too costly... like 25K - 60K costly.  When they want to go to Disneyland or have a beach vacation, we remind them why we aren't; we're saving for a baby.  As I was thinking of the temporal, Bridget our daughter was thinking of the spiritual.  A valuable lesson for me as her mother.

Waiting is hard.  A couple weeks back I thought something might work out.  I had clothes ready, bottles washed, bedding set, even a car seat in the car.  When it became obvious nothing was happening, I quietly put it all away.  I cried for a week and a half adding to the heaviness of the loneliness I already felt with my children all in school.  Each day I looked at the clock waiting for 3:05 p.m. when my sweaty little cherubs would bound through the door, fling their backpacks on the floor, grab a Popsicle and give me a kiss.  Remember my last post when I talked about the overwhelming peace I felt... well, I wonder if I had that, because I was going to need it after this experience of thinking a baby was coming to our home, only to not.

Fortunately the sadness has lifted.  I feel it's a blessing from God.  I've had some blows before, real blows, like the time I was 100% sure our Invitro would work and it failed.  Or the time I was pregnant and I just knew it was meant to be... only to miscarry a few weeks later.  Those experiences really shook me to my core.  And this most recent one should have, but it hasn't.  Instead, I'm looking ahead feeling the peace knowing all is as it should be and will be.  I don't understand or have answers but that's okay.  My faith is centered in Jesus Christ, not in some hopeful event that goes in the exact opposite way I felt it would.

Basically, it all comes down to one word:  FAITH.  Paul said, "Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  Hebrews 11:1  Well, I tell myself this every day.  We hope for a baby we know will come to our family.  Although I have no idea how it will happen, I feel confident it will.

 In the meantime... look at these photos from when the twins when just barely 1 year old.  Holy cow... did they give me a run for my money.

They did this every day.  I was 7 months pregnant gagging at the smell of wet dog food.  My sister Brook would come over and clean the mess for me... She did this A LOT...and with far worse items... ahem... dirty diaper stuff...

And the only way to wash off the dog food is putting hands in the toilet, obviously.  That's after sitting in the
dog water bowl

This is real... Twins eating Dog Food

 The Doggie door was a favorite past time for Luke and Bridget... Below Luke decided to eat a twig because why not?

Scrumptious 

Watching their Daddy mow the lawn

Christmas Day at Granny Bo's 

Because of You

A week ago yesterday we asked for as many prayers and fasting on our behalf.  Read about it here.  And it was AMAZING the response we received!

I have personally received an unexpected blessing from this social media prayer/fast effort.  One I did not foresee.

I woke last Monday and felt enveloped in serenity.  The feeling carried with me all day.  I kept thinking, "What is this?"  "Why do I feel so much peace?"

Let me try to explain.  For the last 5 and half years I have known our family was not complete. Knowing we have another child to add to our family caused me some restlessness.  For years I have felt an unsettled feeling.  Like something is missing but I can't quite place it.

Monday I felt whole... completely whole.  After pondering about it, it finally came to me what I was feeling.

John records our Savior's words, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth give I unto you..."  (John 14:27 KJV)  This describes what I felt and have continued to feel since your efforts. Peace.  An indescribable amount of peace.  The word I think of is "otherwordly."  I hope our birth mother, whomever she is, feels the same overwhelming peace as I do.  She needs it more than I.

I cannot think of a greater gift given to me.  I feel for now, my work with adoption is done.  I will wait and see what happens.  This may change and when it does, I will move forward in faith.  But until then, I will enjoy this sea of calm and peace allowing the lulling waves to wash over me and through me.

I look forward to the day when I write saying "We have our Baby!"   A miracle will unfold.  I feel it deep inside my soul

Thank you for your continued prayers... they are working.

xxo,

Lindsay

This week included a Hair cut for me... 3 Inches gone :)

Sunsplash time with Luke and Taytay... B opted to play at a friends house.  

School supplies this year included a light-up helmet for Bridget.  

She's into rollerskating/blading everywhere! 

Join Our Prayers

Late Tuesday night I received a call from my contact.  She said the birth-mom we were going to meet a few weeks back, would like to meet this time (see post "laughing through tears").    I was excited! Jumping around excited!  Jim and I then knelt in prayer offering thanks for this opportunity. Jeremiah 29:12 "Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you."  Do you believe that? We do!

She's due soon.  The expectant woman doesn't know what she's having and I had no other knowledge of other than we were meeting Thursday morning, which was this morning.

I dropped off  my adoption profile with my contact.  She'd let me know what time the meeting would take place.  She sent me the address, it was close by.  I called my parents, siblings and mother-in-law sharing the good news.  All of us were excited at the prospect of a possible connection.  I planned my outfit accordingly.  Not too fancy, just casual but with me in the casual as I am.  My husband and I decided our meeting with the birth-mom would not be to be chosen.  (Of course that is our hope and dream, but there are so many factors at play, we can't go into meetings like that. Otherwise, where would be our faith?)  Our plan was and is for any future meetings with birth-moms, to get to know HER, the woman behind it all.  We both agree, if we have a meeting and there is no connection, we will still offer to help the birth-mom in any way we can.  Maybe we can help her find another couple.  We discussed this waiting to hear when our appointment would be.  But the call never came.  So again, a chance for meeting slipped away.  Our contact was again very gracious and gave wonderful words of encouragement.  Thank you!

Well, guess how I woke up today?  Totally and overwhelming calm and filled with peace.  No tears, heartache, or even disappointment.  It's a surreal feeling when you know it's all in God's hands and as long as I do what He guides me to do... everything will truly be okay.  This feeling of calm is a gift from God.  

I know a baby will come to us.  This Sunday we are fasting for "our birth-mom" to find us.  A birth mom is the woman who is pregnant and places her child with you.  She's not technically my birth-mom but for whatever reason, that is the term.  She's around looking and doesn't know we are right here, RIGHT HERE!  Please join in prayer and/or fasting with our family this Sunday.  Prayer is a powerful tool and combine with fasting mighty miracles occur.  (Fasting is forgoing food and water for at least one meal.  We fast two meals.  Sometimes, fasting can be just food.  Really, it's what your heart is saying more than the actual actions.  We are told, "...The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 (KJV) 

Another favorite scripture of mine is from James 5:16 "...The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."  We know many prayers combined create might miracles! 

Check our our UPDATED PROFILE  http://adoption.com/profiles/LindsayRector-5885

We love ALL our readers and appreciate the countless messages, texts and tips on our behalf.  

Thank you and Please Share!  

xxo,

Lindsay

Confession... I ran away

It's been about two weeks since my last post.  It's been a struggle to get back on the computer and open up again.  My walls went up.  This is a normal reaction for me.  When disappointment occurs, I withdraw into my world of my children and family.  That's it.  I don't respond to texts, emails or other messages.  I turn off from the world and dive into my little life of Luke, Bridget and Tayler.

We went to Payson for a week.  It was a struggle to even pack for the trip.  I was in a real funk.  But finally packed and ready to go we headed up the hour and half drive north.  Jim met up with us the following day.  My sister Brook and her children along with my other sister Margaret and her kids (really sister-in-law but she's more than that so I call her my sister).

Mountain air, pine trees, creeks, puffy white clouds and afternoon rain.  Soothed my soul and made me whole.

My kids didn't even know I was upset, but time with them always heals my heart.  I've had far greater struggles in my life than this, but sadness is still sadness.

I know there is an expectant woman in the world and she is looking for the right family for her baby. She hasn't found us yet, but she will and it will be because of YOU.  Yes, YOU, reading right now.  As you share my story on Facebook, Instagram or other forms of communication others become aware of who we are.  You're helping not only my family, but the sweet woman who is in search for us and doesn't know where to find us.

This is for her:

Hello Dear Friend,

I call you my dear friend, because I know we will always remain in each other's lives through Open Adoption, if you choose.

I've never been in your position, so I won't presume and say "I know how you feel."  I don't know... but I imagine you are going through hard times of some sort.

I've had those myself.  The first real one I experienced was years ago.  I was married at a young age and thought he was "my everything."  Little did I know he wasn't.  It was the darkest two years of my life.  I was seeking therapy twice a week for six months after I left him.  I couldn't be another room with any men without having a panic attack, with the exception of my father, grandfather and brothers.  I remember a man wanting to shake my hand and I just looked at him, then his hand, then him.  My arm wouldn't move.  It was out of body for me thinking, "Just shake his hand." But a fear of men came over me from the result of my abusive marriage.  For my own emotional well being, I will not go into details of what went wrong.  I will say I came away broken.  I was 21 and completely lost.  I had no faith in God.  Why would He let this happen to me?  I lost trust in my judgment, believed the lies from my then-husband that I was nothing, and my heart ached... all the time... so deeply it was physical pain.  I lived my life numb for months afterward.  I was on Prozac and Xanax to cope.  It helped, I guess.  But in the back of my mind I heard "I'm damaged goods... who will ever want me now?"

I don't really speak of this time in my life.  I've burned all pictures from this period too.

I truly was broken in my mind and spirit and body.  I've suffered physical repercussions from the marriage and I believe it's played a major role in my years of struggling with infertility.

There was one night, when I decided to talk to God again.  It had been a while.   I sobbed, cried, yelled... felt anger, so much anger.  And pain.  The pain was unbearable.  It was like a knife stabbing into my chest, my limbs radiated with fire and I wanted to die.  I said to God, I will not live till morning, the pain is too much.  I believed that.  I literally felt I was dying.  Soon after I said that I felt a warmth spread throughout my body.  My chest no longer felt stabbing pains or tightness.  My body felt no more pain.  Just a peace and warmth.  Simultaneously, I felt two arms wrap around me from behind my crouched position.  It was as if I heard, "I am here and I weep with you.  I know your pain, let me take it away."  And He did.

Jesus Christ saved me that night and continues to save me and all of us everyday.  I still struggled for months with depression and anxiety after this night, but the pain was less.  I didn't feel alone. Abandoned.  I knew I would be okay.

15 years later, I am far better than okay.  I married the most incredible man.  I love him beyond words.  The first years of marriage I kept holding my breath thinking.... is this real?  I didn't know I was worth being loved and cared for.  He was and is so kind and nurturing.  I would often say to my mom, "I didn't know marriage could be so happy!"  I thought it was normal to feel as I terrible as I did in my first marriage.  Jim, my husband, was a huge part of my healing.

Looking back, I know God had a plan for me.  He has plans for you too.  Wonderful and amazing plans for you!   When you feel the hurt and pain is too overwhelming, pray to God for strength.  Paul said it best, "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."  Phillipians 4:13  You and I are in this together...

I will continue to pray for you every day.

Much love to you,

Lindsay

Laughing through Tears

I received an email on Tuesday from a woman who is one of my adoption contacts.  She asked if Jim or I was a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  She let me know an expecting woman who is placing her baby in a home is seeking a couple that are converts or at least one parent is a convert.  I excitedly called my contact and said "Yes!! Jim is!" She told me she'd get back to me after she lets her contact know.  She couldn't tell me anything else about this birth mom.  I sent her our profile link, blog address and face book page.

How exciting is this!! Someone is looking for a convert couple/person who also wants to adopts in the Az area.  How many couples fit that criteria?  Can't be that many right?  I'm really happy this woman thought to send our information to the birth mom and I prayed it might be us.

A while later I get a text. "How old are you?" My reply "36."  She asks Jim's age too.  After I answer she lets me know the birth mom is full with appointments.  Maybe if something doesn't work out Jim and I can meet with the birth mom then.  (Please know, my contact person was so kind about this).

So I started to pray.  It was interesting how my prayers were for Jim and me to get this baby....then after some time on my knees my prayers evolved.  I quit asking for the baby and pleaded for this sweet woman, whom I've never met, to get the answer she is desperately seeking.  My  heart ached for her and her situation.  I know nothing of it, but I assumed anyone who is placing a baby for adoption has been through a trying time.  May she have peace and comfort during this time in her life.  I asked she will feel God's love for her and know how amazing it is she is willing to give life she created to another woman who cannot.  I asked for her to receive a strong confirmation to know who is the best family for her unborn child and then have the strength to move forward. I prayed for the couples who were meeting with her yesterday.  I asked they may have comfort and peace and a knowledge that God is with them.  Without question each couple going in to meet with the birth mom prayed they be "the one." Some may even have said, "If it be thy will." They were undoubtedly excited and hopeful.  I pray they may still have that hope even if they were not "the one."

After all of that, I sought heaven's blessing on behalf of the baby.  My desire for the baby is to feel loved all his/her life.  To have the knowledge of his courageous birth mother who loved him more than words can say.  I say him, but that's for convenience... it could be "her." 

I later saw through facebook where someone was looking for AZ adoption profiles.  I was really grateful so many others tagged me about it, thank you!  I sent my information in... not realizing it was the same birth mom.  I learned she was looking for a couple in their 20's/early 30's.  It made sense to me why my other contact asked our ages.  I didn't realize we fell in the "too old" category but we did.  

At first I laughed about it.... I mean how did I get to the age that is considered "old?"  I can do just about anything physically but with more wisdom than a 20 something.  I mean come on... have you seen my yoga moves?!

 

                                                

 (I say that laughing and kidding/serious at the same time, talk about getting desperate!)  In my defense for my dorkiness... I let my sister photograph me for her job.... 

Back to business.... Somewhere along today I let myself feel... and it was sad.  Tearfully sad.  It's difficult knowing we weren't "the one."  I asked another friend of mine who adopted all her children if it's normal to cry after each time you're passed up?  I guess it is... or was for her.  That made me feel better.  She said some other helpful things where I was laughing through  my tears... it was just what I needed. <3  I thought I was prepared for the "no's" since I've done years of failed fertility treatments, but nope, it is just as sad.  My friend pointed out though, that through adoption, I have a 100% chance of getting a baby where as infertility treatments are never guaranteed.

By the way, I don't fault the birth mother for any of this.  For all I know, the birth mom looked at my profile thoroughly and didn't feel we were the family for her unborn child.

The scriptures brought me peace as they always do.  I study my scriptures daily.  Sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes an hour passes before I know it.  The word of God gives me the peace I need to hang on another day.  

When I prayed yesterday morning two words came to mind "quiet assurance."  I turned to Alma 58:11 "Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance."  I felt a quiet assurance of my own.  The Lord is with me, I will be blessed with peace, given greater faith and hope knowing a baby will be ours, just not this baby.  

Today I continued my study in Alma 58 and underlined in verse 3, "we should wait," verse 4 "we did wait" and again in verse 7 "we did wait." 

That is my assignment from the Lord... to wait, but He's giving me the blessings of Peace, Faith and Hope enabling me to fulfill my assignment of waiting.  God is good to me.  May all people involved be strengthened and have their prayers answered, according to His will.

In the meantime, we'll go to the movies, see Minions, Bridget will trip from Luke pushing her in picture on the left... after a push back to him, she'll stand up and we'll get the picture right.  And yes, they may or may not bring their stuffed animals ;)

 

 Tears never last for long when I have so much joy and love from these three babes. <3

xxo,
Lindsay

Rain + Dirt = Mud Campin'

Fourth of July was incredible.  We went to our land up north and camped in our 5th wheel trailer that remains on the property.  We have several acres in Antelope Valley, sandwiched between Heber and Holbrook, Az.  The weather was breezy and in the mid- 70's... talk about unreal! 

Luke and I played catch outside followed by 5 games of Uno.  The girls played inside drawing animals with their crayons.  We ate a simple dinner of hot dogs and cut up watermelon.  As Jim cleaned up I read stories to the kids.  Once it was fully dark we lit off fireworks.  Beautiful thunder storms rolled through the night as we slept.  The clouds were beyond description.  I love clouds as much as I love trees.  My two favorite things in nature.  I cannot clearly say why I love trees so much, but I have a deep love for them.   


The following morning was July 4th.  We went to the parade in Heber which is 30 minutes away from our land.  It was a great time.  

When we returned back to our trailer the road was washed out with a river, small, but still a river.  We couldn't get back to our trailer.  More thunderstorms were coming and this time the sky was ominous... looked almost like a tornado type of cloud swirl. 

We left our car and trekked through the water back to our camper.  It's a mile and a half walk from where we parked.  The kids were troopers.  The dirt was mud that sucked your foot right in.  Jim worried our car would get stuck in the mud.

Water came up to my knees

Luke found a frog on the way

 After arriving at the trailer, we gathered what we could carry on our backs and headed back toward the car.  Luke stepped in cactus but was tough about it.  Tayler loved every single second of the adventure and Bridget was not a fan at all.  It sprinkled and drizzled rain on us the whole time.  We all held hands walking back on the road. 

 I thoroughly loved it.  When we got the to car we were wet and muddy.  But smiling.  It was incredible being with my family. We talked about pioneers and how the trekked day in and day out like this.  We sang songs and just made jokes and laughed along the way.  To me, this is what family is.... making the best of a less than ideal situation.  We were outside in nature together, no electronics, or any other distractions.... just the five of us. 

We drove back to Mesa and arrived around 7 pm.  After changing and dinner we had our own firework show in the front yard.  Neighbors up and down the street were doing the same thing so it was quite a scene in the sky on our street. 

When Jim and finally went to bed that night I told him this was my favorite 4th of July I've ever had. Lots of things went wrong but it was with the right people, so it didn't feel so wrong after all.