M.I.A. The Last 3 Months

Saturday, November 21, 2015

(lifestyle photos by redpoppy photography...more to come) 

It's taken a lot for me to come back and write.  I'll explain.  I thought we were getting a baby at the end of August.  I got ready for her.  Went through old clothes of my girls. Car seat washed and ready in the car.  Diapers, wipes, blankets.  A name picked out.  The whole deal.  Except we never got the phone call.  The Call. Oh that day was terrible.  Waiting for the phone to ring and when it didn't. Well, let's say I cried.  A lot.  It took a few weeks but I put away the baby clothes, blankets, car seat, etc.

A month later we received another phone call from a woman.  We met with her.  At the time she had 8 weeks more to go.  She's due in 2 weeks.  She's having a boy and went through our profile.  She talked all about my life that she learned of through my profile.  It was obvious she read it.  At the end of our meeting she gave me an ultra-sound picture of her little boy saying, "He's meant to be with your family.  This is what I want for my son."  I was crying of course, heart pounding and beyond ecstatic. Jim and I drove home in a daze wondering if this was real.  For those not in the adoption world I'll let you in on a heart-breaking truth; pregnant women scam on those seeking for adoption. They shop around, so to speak, to see who will pay them the most money for living expenses before and after baby comes.  They tell you "You are the mother for my child."  All the while telling a handful of other women the same thing.  Now, this is the minority of expectant parents, not majority. But I am on a website for adoption and anyone may peruse it.... even the desperate, and they do.

Short story.  She lied.  I was sad and mad and tearful but not as bad as before.

A few weeks later I get another call.  This time the woman is from Michigan who fell in love with my profile and just has to have us as her children's parents.  She's having twins.  We talk all weekend for hours. She asked for Jim and I to fly out to Michigan and come to her doctor's appointments.  She then sends me an ultra sound picture.  Seems a little off.  I've had twins, I know what the ultrasounds look like.  Jim and I do some digging and realize it's fake.  She's a fake.  I keep it together for the most part but out of nowhere at the end of the night I fall apart.  We've come home from our date and I'm just crying and so angry that people play with my emotions like this.  I can't take the sitter home because I'm crying and don't want her to notice.  I stay in the car while he gets her and we drive her home.  I'm able to talk but the tears are rivers down my face.

It was the 3rd blow in a couple months time.  I'm feeling worn out and beat up.  And for me, it was worse because my parent's are on a mission.  I can't go to them, especially my mom, and wrap up in her arms and cry.  It gives me greater empathy for my dear friends who have lost their mothers way too soon.

This last upset was a month ago or so.  I took a step back from adoption and took time to heal my soul.  Healing comes for me when I slow down, spend quality time with my kids and husband and lots of time in prayer, meditation and scripture study.  I withdraw from the world and seek solace from above.  It helps.

I hear from well meaning people "Why don't you just foster?" We considered fostering.  In fact I really wanted to do it.  But when we took it to the Lord in prayer and fasting the answer was "No." You may be wondering how I know the answer was "No."  One formula I use for receiving answers to my prayers is this:
1.   I pray out loud, repenting of my sins first.  My unkind thoughts, resentments, jealousy and anything else that comes to mind.
2.  Then I talk to God as if He were sitting across from me. Sometimes I hold out my hands and imagine we are holding hands.  I say, "I don't know what to do. Please show me or tell me."  Then I'll explain my situation.  When I feel the prayer is complete meaning I've said all I wanted to say I close it "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
3.  Then I sit and listen.  Usually, but not always, a thought comes to my mind.  On this particular day, the answer was a quiet thought, "no."  I say out loud,  "I feel the answer is no, is this correct?" I sit some more and a peaceful calm feeling washed over my body confirming to me that yes, I understand the answer correctly, we are not to foster.

Now just because I got an answer doesn't mean I liked it, in fact I didn't.  I don't understand it, and I try not to take it personally like I'm not a good enough mother to foster, but for whatever reason that is not the direction we are to go.

All the while during the last three months our twins turned 8 and were baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Halloween has come and gone and we're looking at Thanksgiving right around the corner.

I'm thankful for a loving God who never leaves me.  Who gives me inspiration and revelation.  I'm thankful for the prophet Joseph Smith, who despite all hardships, continued on God's errand and brought forth the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and The Book of Mormon.  I am not in control of how we get or baby or when. (Even though I really REALLY wish I was.)  But I am in control of how I respond to trials, doubts and sadness.  My response is to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ, it's not always easy because sometimes I'm really mad at Him, but He doesn't care, His love heals me anyway.