"Our Story" is so hard to put into words. Do I begin when we first met, (at a church baptism?) Do I tell how terrible our first date was... (hint: read below). Or Do I simply say who we are and why we long for more children?
I guess I can sum it up like this... We're a family that wanted a lot of children. I am from a family with 8 other siblings! I have a disease though and couldn't get pregnant easily. 8 years of continued fertility treatments reeked havoc on my body. After a year of living in bed from chronic pain we knew something had to give and it was my ability to carry children any longer. A hysterectomy. It was scary, what if I didn't get better, what if I was always bent over in pain, unable to sit for longer than thirty minutes... what if my back pain continued to rip through my body and hot stabbing knives continued to gauge my pelvis area every time I ovulated? What if I continually limped from the throbbing varicose veins... What if? What if? What if?
Our children were 3 and 2 at the time. If I was up and moving it was because I had pain meds in my system. That was another worry.... what if I became an addict? I'm a believer you never say never... as soon as you think you're immune to something.. that's when you're not. Anyway, I had some decisions to make. Life altering. Seems like a no-brainer right? But I knew with all my heart another baby was suppose to come to our family! I prayed and studied the Word of God through the holy scriptures. I prayed more and more and finally received my dreaded answer. I needed the hysterectomy if I wanted to carry my children on my hip, or push a grocery cart or even just sit.
I always believed I would bear many children. I hoped for five or six so when I realized three was our max I was devastated. I turned to the Old Testament for strength from the women there whom many had infertility issues of their own, Sarai, Rebekah, Rachel, and Hannah to name a few. I studied these women for a long time and came to understand how their trials were mine. I saw how they each turned to God for faith and in hope and so could I. Even though I couldn't have my own children, I knew God would provide a way for our baby to come to us, even through another woman.
My life changed forever after that surgery. Healing physically was faster than healing emotionally. It look a while to grasp I could never carry life again. I mourned for several months after my surgery. I cried when I received baby shower invites or saw little babies or even expectant mothers. Again, Jim really supported me during this time and let me mourn and cry in his arms as many times as I needed to. Oddly enough, I wouldn't hold a baby. I was too afraid I'd break down. Many of my friends had children during this time which I distanced myself from. I lived in my own world of my three little children. I would try to socialize and see their babies but it was too painful for me. I usually left in tears without my friends knowing the pain I was in. This stage lasted about two years after my surgery. I'm not sure how it happened but somehow I healed.
This last year I've been able to become excited about babies again and long to hold them. I no longer see pregnant women and rush away in tears. My heart has healed. I still crave for the feeling of a baby moving inside my belly, but it doesn't make me cry like it use to. My sister-in-law has been amazing and lets me feel her belly whenever I want to... so did my friend while she was pregnant.
This August marks three years from my surgery when my life improved drastically for the better. I live... not in a bed, not on pain meds but really, really live. I am present. Or do the best I can to be present.
I've never doubted for one single second that a baby was meant for our family. I knew and still know we will have another child. My faith in God kept me going and when it burned low, my husband and family members rallied around me to lift me up back to my standing level of faith.
I wrote this was "our story" but I guess it's really "my story."
I read in Hebrews 11:11 this morning...
"Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."
And who had promised?? Abraham had promised through the promise of the Savior.
I choked up today as I read it this morning... I know I will be blessed with a baby who will feel exactly as my own... as if I had birthed the child myself, but it will be through someone else... who also has faith that her child will be well cared for and loved.
This is me, this is who I am... a woman who loves God, loves her children and husband.
***************************************************************************
FIRST DATE:
Disaster, Awful, Worst-Ever: The first three and a half words that come to mind when I recall our first date.
Jim shows up to my salon after a long day of clients, we walk down Mill Avenue to a restaurant to eat. He's not particularly nice or chatty at this point. I'm feeling awkward since it's basically a sympathy date for this guy. My friend begged me, BEGGED, me to go out one time with him. She gave me a sob story how he has no friends and just moved out from New York. I finally say O.K. and the night starts off terribly.
I guess I can sum it up like this... We're a family that wanted a lot of children. I am from a family with 8 other siblings! I have a disease though and couldn't get pregnant easily. 8 years of continued fertility treatments reeked havoc on my body. After a year of living in bed from chronic pain we knew something had to give and it was my ability to carry children any longer. A hysterectomy. It was scary, what if I didn't get better, what if I was always bent over in pain, unable to sit for longer than thirty minutes... what if my back pain continued to rip through my body and hot stabbing knives continued to gauge my pelvis area every time I ovulated? What if I continually limped from the throbbing varicose veins... What if? What if? What if?
Our children were 3 and 2 at the time. If I was up and moving it was because I had pain meds in my system. That was another worry.... what if I became an addict? I'm a believer you never say never... as soon as you think you're immune to something.. that's when you're not. Anyway, I had some decisions to make. Life altering. Seems like a no-brainer right? But I knew with all my heart another baby was suppose to come to our family! I prayed and studied the Word of God through the holy scriptures. I prayed more and more and finally received my dreaded answer. I needed the hysterectomy if I wanted to carry my children on my hip, or push a grocery cart or even just sit.
I always believed I would bear many children. I hoped for five or six so when I realized three was our max I was devastated. I turned to the Old Testament for strength from the women there whom many had infertility issues of their own, Sarai, Rebekah, Rachel, and Hannah to name a few. I studied these women for a long time and came to understand how their trials were mine. I saw how they each turned to God for faith and in hope and so could I. Even though I couldn't have my own children, I knew God would provide a way for our baby to come to us, even through another woman.
My life changed forever after that surgery. Healing physically was faster than healing emotionally. It look a while to grasp I could never carry life again. I mourned for several months after my surgery. I cried when I received baby shower invites or saw little babies or even expectant mothers. Again, Jim really supported me during this time and let me mourn and cry in his arms as many times as I needed to. Oddly enough, I wouldn't hold a baby. I was too afraid I'd break down. Many of my friends had children during this time which I distanced myself from. I lived in my own world of my three little children. I would try to socialize and see their babies but it was too painful for me. I usually left in tears without my friends knowing the pain I was in. This stage lasted about two years after my surgery. I'm not sure how it happened but somehow I healed.
This last year I've been able to become excited about babies again and long to hold them. I no longer see pregnant women and rush away in tears. My heart has healed. I still crave for the feeling of a baby moving inside my belly, but it doesn't make me cry like it use to. My sister-in-law has been amazing and lets me feel her belly whenever I want to... so did my friend while she was pregnant.
This August marks three years from my surgery when my life improved drastically for the better. I live... not in a bed, not on pain meds but really, really live. I am present. Or do the best I can to be present.
I've never doubted for one single second that a baby was meant for our family. I knew and still know we will have another child. My faith in God kept me going and when it burned low, my husband and family members rallied around me to lift me up back to my standing level of faith.
I wrote this was "our story" but I guess it's really "my story."
I read in Hebrews 11:11 this morning...
"Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised."
And who had promised?? Abraham had promised through the promise of the Savior.
I choked up today as I read it this morning... I know I will be blessed with a baby who will feel exactly as my own... as if I had birthed the child myself, but it will be through someone else... who also has faith that her child will be well cared for and loved.
This is me, this is who I am... a woman who loves God, loves her children and husband.
***************************************************************************
FIRST DATE:
Disaster, Awful, Worst-Ever: The first three and a half words that come to mind when I recall our first date.
Jim shows up to my salon after a long day of clients, we walk down Mill Avenue to a restaurant to eat. He's not particularly nice or chatty at this point. I'm feeling awkward since it's basically a sympathy date for this guy. My friend begged me, BEGGED, me to go out one time with him. She gave me a sob story how he has no friends and just moved out from New York. I finally say O.K. and the night starts off terribly.
After the uncomfortable talking of an unwanted blind date we sit down to eat. I order a salad, he gets steak. Our topic of conversation gets worse and worse. I start noticing the cobwebs in the corners of the restaurant. I count the empty chairs surrounding me and try to see how many food servers are standing around. That should tell you how I felt about our dinner.
I can't really say what went wrong except for all of it. His attitude, my attitude.... Blah! I remember seeing my friend after the date finally ended and said, "I will never go out with him again!" Apparently the joke was on me.
The only conclusion I deduce to what brought us back together is I secretly liked him. Like crazy attracted to him! It was his confidence borderline arrogance, the black hair, hazel eyes, and intellect. The way he walked, how he brushed his eyebrow as a nervous habit. From our first date on I was unknowingly hooked. Thankfully all other dates were uphill from there. 12 years later and we still laugh about that disaster of a date... and we still have our weekly date too <3
