Waiting...

Yep, that's right, I get the back-to-school blues. Every year now for the last four years. It takes a few weeks to come out of my funk and find my new rhythm. Seems silly but 6.5 hours with a silent house isn't my favorite thing in the world. Don't get me wrong, at times I craved the silence during chaotic summer days... but to have it every day now... well, it's just not my thing.

The kids are loving their teachers this year. Luke and Bridget are in 2nd grade and Taytay is in 1st. I was missing Luke the other day so I grabbed him for a lunch date during school. I told him he could choose where we ate. He picked Mi Amigos, but not for lunch he said, "I want flan!" with a wicked grin on his cute face. I made him eat some of his already packed lunch on our way to the restaurant (since I hadn't planned on doing this I made his lunch that morning.) We then walked around Target and he showed me what he wants for his birthday. It's in a week from today. Our twins will be 8 years old. We're planning to go camping up to our land. Last time we went we were rained out, literally. We'll see what adventure awaits us this time.

I've added some more pictures to our online profile. And I asked for advice/suggestions from some birth moms how I can improve our profile. It's been amazing to get their feedback! Our profile has been on Adoption.com for a few months now and no one has expressed interest. I decided I needed some fresh eyes on our profile to help us out. We also plan on paying extra for what is called "Extreme Exposure." It's suppose to help us be seen by many more people.

A recent conversation with my kids went like this:

I said, "What if I grew gold hair every day and each night we shaved it off and then by morning it all grew back? Think of all the things we could do with that gold!" I'm now thinking of the Disneyland trips and other wonderful worldly greedy things, when Bridget stops my thought process immediately as she says, "Oh Mom, then we would have enough money to adopt a baby!" My heart melted. Of course that is what she said. We let the children know we aren't going through an agency because it is too costly... like 25K - 60K costly. When they want to go to Disneyland or have a beach vacation, we remind them why we aren't; we're saving for a baby. As I was thinking of the temporal, Bridget our daughter was thinking of the spiritual. A valuable lesson for me as her mother.

Waiting is hard. A couple weeks back I thought something might work out. I had clothes ready, bottles washed, bedding set, even a car seat in the car. When it became obvious nothing was happening, I quietly put it all away. I cried for a week and a half adding to the heaviness of the loneliness I already felt with my children all in school. Each day I looked at the clock waiting for 3:05 p.m. when my sweaty little cherubs would bound through the door, fling their backpacks on the floor, grab a Popsicle and give me a kiss. Remember my last post when I talked about the overwhelming peace I felt... well, I wonder if I had that, because I was going to need it after this experience of thinking a baby was coming to our home, only to not.

Fortunately the sadness has lifted. I feel it's a blessing from God. I've had some blows before, real blows, like the time I was 100% sure our Invitro would work and it failed. Or the time I was pregnant and I just knew it was meant to be... only to miscarry a few weeks later. Those experiences really shook me to my core. And this most recent one should have, but it hasn't. Instead, I'm looking ahead feeling the peace knowing all is as it should be and will be. I don't understand or have answers but that's okay. My faith is centered in Jesus Christ, not in some hopeful event that goes in the exact opposite way I felt it would.

Basically, it all comes down to one word: FAITH. Paul said, "Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 Well, I tell myself this every day. We hope for a baby we know will come to our family. Although I have no idea how it will happen, I feel confident it will.

In the meantime... look at these photos from when the twins when just barely 1 year old. Holy cow... did they give me a run for my money.

They did this every day. I was 7 months pregnant gagging at the smell of wet dog food. My sister Brook would come over and clean the mess for me... She did this A LOT...and with far worse items... ahem... dirty diaper stuff...