M.I.A. The Last 3 Months

Saturday, November 21, 2015



(lifestyle photos by redpoppy photography...more to come) 


It's taken a lot for me to come back and write.  I'll explain.  I thought we were getting a baby at the end of August.  I got ready for her.  Went through old clothes of my girls. Car seat washed and ready in the car.  Diapers, wipes, blankets.  A name picked out.  The whole deal.  Except we never got the phone call.  The Call. Oh that day was terrible.  Waiting for the phone to ring and when it didn't. Well, let's say I cried.  A lot.  It took a few weeks but I put away the baby clothes, blankets, car seat, etc.

A month later we received another phone call from a woman.  We met with her.  At the time she had 8 weeks more to go.  She's due in 2 weeks.  She's having a boy and went through our profile.  She talked all about my life that she learned of through my profile.  It was obvious she read it.  At the end of our meeting she gave me an ultra-sound picture of her little boy saying, "He's meant to be with your family.  This is what I want for my son."  I was crying of course, heart pounding and beyond ecstatic. Jim and I drove home in a daze wondering if this was real.  For those not in the adoption world I'll let you in on a heart-breaking truth; pregnant women scam on those seeking for adoption. They shop around, so to speak, to see who will pay them the most money for living expenses before and after baby comes.  They tell you "You are the mother for my child."  All the while telling a handful of other women the same thing.  Now, this is the minority of expectant parents, not majority. But I am on a website for adoption and anyone may peruse it.... even the desperate, and they do.

Short story.  She lied.  I was sad and mad and tearful but not as bad as before.

A few weeks later I get another call.  This time the woman is from Michigan who fell in love with my profile and just has to have us as her children's parents.  She's having twins.  We talk all weekend for hours. She asked for Jim and I to fly out to Michigan and come to her doctor's appointments.  She then sends me an ultra sound picture.  Seems a little off.  I've had twins, I know what the ultrasounds look like.  Jim and I do some digging and realize it's fake.  She's a fake.  I keep it together for the most part but out of nowhere at the end of the night I fall apart.  We've come home from our date and I'm just crying and so angry that people play with my emotions like this.  I can't take the sitter home because I'm crying and don't want her to notice.  I stay in the car while he gets her and we drive her home.  I'm able to talk but the tears are rivers down my face.

It was the 3rd blow in a couple months time.  I'm feeling worn out and beat up.  And for me, it was worse because my parent's are on a mission.  I can't go to them, especially my mom, and wrap up in her arms and cry.  It gives me greater empathy for my dear friends who have lost their mothers way too soon.

This last upset was a month ago or so.  I took a step back from adoption and took time to heal my soul.  Healing comes for me when I slow down, spend quality time with my kids and husband and lots of time in prayer, meditation and scripture study.  I withdraw from the world and seek solace from above.  It helps.

I hear from well meaning people "Why don't you just foster?" We considered fostering.  In fact I really wanted to do it.  But when we took it to the Lord in prayer and fasting the answer was "No." You may be wondering how I know the answer was "No."  One formula I use for receiving answers to my prayers is this:
1.   I pray out loud, repenting of my sins first.  My unkind thoughts, resentments, jealousy and anything else that comes to mind.
2.  Then I talk to God as if He were sitting across from me. Sometimes I hold out my hands and imagine we are holding hands.  I say, "I don't know what to do. Please show me or tell me."  Then I'll explain my situation.  When I feel the prayer is complete meaning I've said all I wanted to say I close it "In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."
3.  Then I sit and listen.  Usually, but not always, a thought comes to my mind.  On this particular day, the answer was a quiet thought, "no."  I say out loud,  "I feel the answer is no, is this correct?" I sit some more and a peaceful calm feeling washed over my body confirming to me that yes, I understand the answer correctly, we are not to foster.

Now just because I got an answer doesn't mean I liked it, in fact I didn't.  I don't understand it, and I try not to take it personally like I'm not a good enough mother to foster, but for whatever reason that is not the direction we are to go.

All the while during the last three months our twins turned 8 and were baptized members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Halloween has come and gone and we're looking at Thanksgiving right around the corner.

I'm thankful for a loving God who never leaves me.  Who gives me inspiration and revelation.  I'm thankful for the prophet Joseph Smith, who despite all hardships, continued on God's errand and brought forth the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and The Book of Mormon.  I am not in control of how we get or baby or when. (Even though I really REALLY wish I was.)  But I am in control of how I respond to trials, doubts and sadness.  My response is to turn to my Savior Jesus Christ, it's not always easy because sometimes I'm really mad at Him, but He doesn't care, His love heals me anyway.


Lindsay




12 comments

  1. You are such a beautiful soul! Stay faithful and keep praying. Stay strong and at peace, as best you can. Sending my love to you - xo! Danielle

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    1. Danielle! Thank you so much! I'll do my best to take all your advice <3 Lindsay

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  2. Oh Lindsay I'm so sorry. Its maddening to think of birth mom's who are misleading and lie to potential parents. I'm greatful for you sharing your story and being an example of allowing the pain but then getting back up and starting again, of hope. Love you!

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  3. Oh Lindsay I'm so sorry. Its maddening to think of birth mom's who are misleading and lie to potential parents. I'm greatful for you sharing your story and being an example of allowing the pain but then getting back up and starting again, of hope. Love you!

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    1. Thank you Karen for your comment. It's hard being vulnerable on social media but I hope it helps others in some way. xo

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  4. You are an amazing woman with an amazing family!! Heavenly Father has great things in store for you all!! The Vances wish you all the luck with your adoption!! ❤️❤️❤️

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  5. Lindsay! This is Laura Davis. From tailoring class what like 9 years ago. I happened to stumble across your blog by accident. I am so sorry to hear about these experiences. I have a beloved sister who had a similar one and it is heart breaking. I hope your family the best and am in awe at how strong you are.

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  6. Lindsay! This is Laura Davis. From tailoring class what like 9 years ago. I happened to stumble across your blog by accident. I am so sorry to hear about these experiences. I have a beloved sister who had a similar one and it is heart breaking. I hope your family the best and am in awe at how strong you are.

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    1. Hi Laura! Of course I remember you but has it really been 9 years??? I'm sorry for your sister's situation too. Thank you for saying hi <3

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  7. You are amazing Lindsay!!!! I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you!! You are inspiring and I admire you for your strength, humility and unwavering faith!! Hope this next month is filled with many happy moments for you and your darling (and quickly getting older) family!! 😘

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  8. I know this situation all too well; we had the same fake birth mom scam us twice. Once she led us on for 3 months before her caseworker discovered she wasn't pregnant and a month later came to us with an alias name and tried to do so again... just a lonely teen looking for attention from a desperate couple willing to love. So heartbreaking! I am sorry you had to go through that multiple times. Adoption is amazing and our caseworker told us the best advice: The Lord won't put the wrong baby in your arms." We took a break for about 3 months after our negative situation and the next birthmom that contacted us was the best thing to ever happen to our family and, although hesitant at first, we knew it was right after meeting in person and 5 years later, she is as close as a sister and we share a wonderful open adoption. I hope you find your perfect match soon!!!! ❤️

    :) Kristi

    http://adoption.com/national-adoption-day-jansen-family-story

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    1. Kristi, your reply is exactly what I need to hear, "The Lord won't put the wrong baby in your arms." I've told myself that several times since reading this. Thank you for the encouragement!

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