Confession... I ran away

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It's been about two weeks since my last post.  It's been a struggle to get back on the computer and open up again.  My walls went up.  This is a normal reaction for me.  When disappointment occurs, I withdraw into my world of my children and family.  That's it.  I don't respond to texts, emails or other messages.  I turn off from the world and dive into my little life of Luke, Bridget and Tayler.

We went to Payson for a week.  It was a struggle to even pack for the trip.  I was in a real funk.  But finally packed and ready to go we headed up the hour and half drive north.  Jim met up with us the following day.  My sister Brook and her children along with my other sister Margaret and her kids (really sister-in-law but she's more than that so I call her my sister).

Mountain air, pine trees, creeks, puffy white clouds and afternoon rain.  Soothed my soul and made me whole.

My kids didn't even know I was upset, but time with them always heals my heart.  I've had far greater struggles in my life than this, but sadness is still sadness.

I know there is an expectant woman in the world and she is looking for the right family for her baby. She hasn't found us yet, but she will and it will be because of YOU.  Yes, YOU, reading right now.  As you share my story on Facebook, Instagram or other forms of communication others become aware of who we are.  You're helping not only my family, but the sweet woman who is in search for us and doesn't know where to find us.

This is for her:

Hello Dear Friend,

I call you my dear friend, because I know we will always remain in each other's lives through Open Adoption, if you choose.

I've never been in your position, so I won't presume and say "I know how you feel."  I don't know... but I imagine you are going through hard times of some sort.

I've had those myself.  The first real one I experienced was years ago.  I was married at a young age and thought he was "my everything."  Little did I know he wasn't.  It was the darkest two years of my life.  I was seeking therapy twice a week for six months after I left him.  I couldn't be another room with any men without having a panic attack, with the exception of my father, grandfather and brothers.  I remember a man wanting to shake my hand and I just looked at him, then his hand, then him.  My arm wouldn't move.  It was out of body for me thinking, "Just shake his hand." But a fear of men came over me from the result of my abusive marriage.  For my own emotional well being, I will not go into details of what went wrong.  I will say I came away broken.  I was 21 and completely lost.  I had no faith in God.  Why would He let this happen to me?  I lost trust in my judgment, believed the lies from my then-husband that I was nothing, and my heart ached... all the time... so deeply it was physical pain.  I lived my life numb for months afterward.  I was on Prozac and Xanax to cope.  It helped, I guess.  But in the back of my mind I heard "I'm damaged goods... who will ever want me now?"

I don't really speak of this time in my life.  I've burned all pictures from this period too.

I truly was broken in my mind and spirit and body.  I've suffered physical repercussions from the marriage and I believe it's played a major role in my years of struggling with infertility.

There was one night, when I decided to talk to God again.  It had been a while.   I sobbed, cried, yelled... felt anger, so much anger.  And pain.  The pain was unbearable.  It was like a knife stabbing into my chest, my limbs radiated with fire and I wanted to die.  I said to God, I will not live till morning, the pain is too much.  I believed that.  I literally felt I was dying.  Soon after I said that I felt a warmth spread throughout my body.  My chest no longer felt stabbing pains or tightness.  My body felt no more pain.  Just a peace and warmth.  Simultaneously, I felt two arms wrap around me from behind my crouched position.  It was as if I heard, "I am here and I weep with you.  I know your pain, let me take it away."  And He did.

Jesus Christ saved me that night and continues to save me and all of us everyday.  I still struggled for months with depression and anxiety after this night, but the pain was less.  I didn't feel alone. Abandoned.  I knew I would be okay.

15 years later, I am far better than okay.  I married the most incredible man.  I love him beyond words.  The first years of marriage I kept holding my breath thinking.... is this real?  I didn't know I was worth being loved and cared for.  He was and is so kind and nurturing.  I would often say to my mom, "I didn't know marriage could be so happy!"  I thought it was normal to feel as I terrible as I did in my first marriage.  Jim, my husband, was a huge part of my healing.

Looking back, I know God had a plan for me.  He has plans for you too.  Wonderful and amazing plans for you!   When you feel the hurt and pain is too overwhelming, pray to God for strength.  Paul said it best, "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me."  Phillipians 4:13  You and I are in this together...

I will continue to pray for you every day.

Much love to you,


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