Laughing through Tears

Friday, July 10, 2015

I received an email on Tuesday from a woman who is one of my adoption contacts.  She asked if Jim or I was a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  She let me know an expecting woman who is placing her baby in a home is seeking a couple that are converts or at least one parent is a convert.  I excitedly called my contact and said "Yes!! Jim is!" She told me she'd get back to me after she lets her contact know.  She couldn't tell me anything else about this birth mom.  I sent her our profile link, blog address and face book page.

How exciting is this!! Someone is looking for a convert couple/person who also wants to adopts in the Az area.  How many couples fit that criteria?  Can't be that many right?  I'm really happy this woman thought to send our information to the birth mom and I prayed it might be us.

A while later I get a text. "How old are you?" My reply "36."  She asks Jim's age too.  After I answer she lets me know the birth mom is full with appointments.  Maybe if something doesn't work out Jim and I can meet with the birth mom then.  (Please know, my contact person was so kind about this).

So I started to pray.  It was interesting how my prayers were for Jim and me to get this baby....then after some time on my knees my prayers evolved.  I quit asking for the baby and pleaded for this sweet woman, whom I've never met, to get the answer she is desperately seeking.  My  heart ached for her and her situation.  I know nothing of it, but I assumed anyone who is placing a baby for adoption has been through a trying time.  May she have peace and comfort during this time in her life.  I asked she will feel God's love for her and know how amazing it is she is willing to give life she created to another woman who cannot.  I asked for her to receive a strong confirmation to know who is the best family for her unborn child and then have the strength to move forward. I prayed for the couples who were meeting with her yesterday.  I asked they may have comfort and peace and a knowledge that God is with them.  Without question each couple going in to meet with the birth mom prayed they be "the one." Some may even have said, "If it be thy will." They were undoubtedly excited and hopeful.  I pray they may still have that hope even if they were not "the one."

After all of that, I sought heaven's blessing on behalf of the baby.  My desire for the baby is to feel loved all his/her life.  To have the knowledge of his courageous birth mother who loved him more than words can say.  I say him, but that's for convenience... it could be "her." 

I later saw through facebook where someone was looking for AZ adoption profiles.  I was really grateful so many others tagged me about it, thank you!  I sent my information in... not realizing it was the same birth mom.  I learned she was looking for a couple in their 20's/early 30's.  It made sense to me why my other contact asked our ages.  I didn't realize we fell in the "too old" category but we did.  

At first I laughed about it.... I mean how did I get to the age that is considered "old?"  I can do just about anything physically but with more wisdom than a 20 something.  I mean come on... have you seen my yoga moves?!



 (I say that laughing and kidding/serious at the same time, talk about getting desperate!)  In my defense for my dorkiness... I let my sister photograph me for her job.... 

Back to business.... Somewhere along today I let myself feel... and it was sad.  Tearfully sad.  It's difficult knowing we weren't "the one."  I asked another friend of mine who adopted all her children if it's normal to cry after each time you're passed up?  I guess it is... or was for her.  That made me feel better.  She said some other helpful things where I was laughing through  my tears... it was just what I needed. <3  I thought I was prepared for the "no's" since I've done years of failed fertility treatments, but nope, it is just as sad.  My friend pointed out though, that through adoption, I have a 100% chance of getting a baby where as infertility treatments are never guaranteed.

By the way, I don't fault the birth mother for any of this.  For all I know, the birth mom looked at my profile thoroughly and didn't feel we were the family for her unborn child.

The scriptures brought me peace as they always do.  I study my scriptures daily.  Sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes an hour passes before I know it.  The word of God gives me the peace I need to hang on another day.  

When I prayed yesterday morning two words came to mind "quiet assurance."  I turned to Alma 58:11 "Yea, and it came to pass that the Lord our God did visit us with assurances that he would deliver us; yea, insomuch that he did speak peace to our souls, and did grant unto us great faith, and did cause us that we should hope for our deliverance."  I felt a quiet assurance of my own.  The Lord is with me, I will be blessed with peace, given greater faith and hope knowing a baby will be ours, just not this baby.  

Today I continued my study in Alma 58 and underlined in verse 3, "we should wait," verse 4 "we did wait" and again in verse 7 "we did wait." 

That is my assignment from the Lord... to wait, but He's giving me the blessings of Peace, Faith and Hope enabling me to fulfill my assignment of waiting.  God is good to me.  May all people involved be strengthened and have their prayers answered, according to His will.

In the meantime, we'll go to the movies, see Minions, Bridget will trip from Luke pushing her in picture on the left... after a push back to him, she'll stand up and we'll get the picture right.  And yes, they may or may not bring their stuffed animals ;)

 Tears never last for long when I have so much joy and love from these three babes. <3


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